Domestic and dating abuse can be defined as a pattern of behavior that one person in an intimate relationship uses to gain increasing levels of control over his or her partner.

Abuse can include:

• Physical abuse such as hitting, kicking, pushing, burning, strangling, using weapons of any kind, as well as interfering with medication or mobility devices, interfering with sleep, or anything else that puts another person's physical safety at risk.
• Emotional and verbal abuse such as yelling, using threats and threatening behavior, harming or threatening pets, blaming, shaming, stalking, or coercing/forcing isolation from friends, family, and community.
• Financial or educational abuse such as controlling money, interfering with a job or schooling, demanding receipts and full accounting for purchases, destroying credit, destroying property, or refusing to contribute to household expenses.
• Sexual abuse such as forcing unwanted sexual contact, making unwanted sexual comments, insisting on a certain style of dress, or controlling, refusing, or sabotaging birth control.
• Identity abuse (including spiritual abuse) such as targeting race, religion, spirituality, appearance, ability, gender identity, sexual orientation, age, immigration status, or other personal identification. Examples include insisting on, preventing, or interfering with various kinds of religious observance and expression; threatening to reveal private information (such as sexual orientation); making hurtful comments related to identity; or showing disrespect or hostility toward the group that one’s partner identifies with.

According to a 2010 National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence survey from the Centers for Disease Control, “Among victims of intimate partner violence, about 1 in 4 women (24.3%) and 1 in 7 men (13.8%) have experienced severe physical violence by an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime.” Abuse happens at about the same rate in same-sex relationships.

People who abuse – even those who themselves have been victims of terrible abuse – make choices about when to abuse, whom to target, and in what ways they will demand and take control in a relationship.

This program is supported by MOVA through a 1984 VOCA grant from the OVC, OJP, US Department of Justice.

For more information, call 781-647-JFCS (5327) or email your questions via our contact us page.

This program is funded in part by CJP.

Does your partner…

• Blame you for everything that goes wrong?
• Call you names, insult you, or try to humiliate you in public, in front of your children, or when the two of you are alone?
• Tell you that you are incompetent or stupid?
• Call or text you constantly during the day? Demand to know where you are or who you are with? Insist that you check in frequently?
• Try to prevent or dissuade you from seeing family and/or friends?
• Make critical comments about your clothes or tell you what to wear or how to act?
• Make inappropriate or critical comments about your physical appearance, friends, or family members?
• Show up unannounced at your workplace or call you at work constantly? Otherwise interfere with your work or your education?
• Control all of the money or insist on getting receipts for any money you spend?
• Monitor your cell phone call history, voicemail, or email?
• Answer phone or email messages intended for you?
• Treat you very differently while you are out in public than when you are alone?
• Tell you where you can and cannot go, even when the two of you aren’t together?
• Accuse you of having sexual or romantic encounters with other people?
• Mistreat your pets?
• Frighten or hurt you?
• Threaten you either with violence or other actions that will be physically or emotionally harmful to you (spreading rumors, sharing your secrets publicly, etc.)?
• Use violence or the threat of violence to settle a disagreement, enforce “rules,” or get his/her way?
• Force you to have any kind of sexual contact even if you have said no?
• Blame his or her violence or abusive language on alcohol, other drugs, stress, or other external factors?

You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. If you answered yes to any of these questions, we encourage you to find people who will listen, understand, and believe you without judgment or blame. Please consider reaching out to talk to someone from a domestic abuse program who can offer assistance and support:

• Journey to Safety: 781-647-5327, Monday – Friday, 9:00 a.m. – 5:00 p.m.
• Safe Link (the 24/7 statewide hotline): 877-785-2020
• National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: 866-331-9474 or www.loveisrespect.org for more information and an option for a live online chat (you can choose to call, text, or chat online with a trained peer advocate)
• A domestic abuse program in your community

Calls are free and confidential.

This program is supported by MOVA through a 1984 VOCA grant from the OVC, OJP, US Department of Justice.

For more information, call 781-647-JFCS (5327) or email your questions via our contact us page.

This program is funded in part by CJP.

• Know the local resources.
• Offer helpline numbers.
  • Journey to Safety: (781) 647-5327
  • Safe Link (24/7 statewide hotline): (877) 785-2020
  • Find your local program.
• Be supportive and empowering rather than directive.
  • Ask how you can help or what the person needs rather than telling the person what to do.
  • Highlight the person’s strengths.
  • Stress that the abuse is not the person’s fault.
  • Emphasize that the person has rights and should always be treated with dignity and respect.
  • Help remove barriers by offering a phone and a private place to call a helpline or offering childcare so the person can meet with someone from a domestic abuse program or lawyer.
• Listen actively and non-judgmentally.
  • Avoid questions that start with “why.” Even if you are just trying to figure out what is going on, “why” can sound judgmental or accusatory.
• Be patient.
  • Telling someone about an abusive relationship can be difficult and even scary. You may not get the whole story right away (or ever).
  • Seeking help is a process. Someone in an abusive relationship might not want to make changes right away. Even if an action plan seems clear to you, remember that the person in the abusive relationship needs to be the one to decide what to do and when to do it.
• If you think it’s appropriate to ask the person about abuse, there are different ways to bring it up. For example…
  • I’m concerned about you (and explain why).
  • Do you feel safe at home?
  • What happens when you and your partner disagree or argue?
• If you don’t feel it’s appropriate to raise the issue directly, consider ways to build your connection with the person.
• Get support for yourself.
  • It can be hard to be someone’s confidant. It’s fine to tell the person that you need to step back from time to time.
  • Keep the door open.
  • Protect the privacy and confidentiality of the person you are helping.

This program is supported by MOVA through a 1984 VOCA grant from the OVC, OJP, US Department of Justice.

For more information, call 781-647-JFCS (5327) or email your questions via our contact us page.

This program is funded in part by CJP.

Friends and family often make the mistake of thinking that abuse survivors are easy to spot because they have obvious physical injuries such as a black eye or broken arm. Although that is sometimes the case, often the warning signs are more subtle. While the following list is far from comprehensive, be aware if a friend, family member, or coworker:

• Frequently changes plans or cancels/misses appointments and social engagements
• Wears seasonally inappropriate clothing, particularly turtlenecks and long sleeves in warm weather or sunglasses inside
• Rarely has spending money and/or is hyper-attentive to getting and keeping receipts
• Receives repeated, persistent calls or text messages from his or her partner in short periods of time
• Is hyper-attentive to answering persistent calls and/or texts
• Makes excuses for partner’s comments or behavior
• Has bruises or injuries in different stages of healing, often with explanations that don’t make sense or sound plausible
• Stops attending worship services, social gatherings, or other functions (may be a sudden or more gradual disappearance)
• Has trouble maintaining a conversation or social interaction (may appear distracted or uninterested)
• Gradually or suddenly makes an uncharacteristic change in dress (could be a shift to more revealing clothes or to a more modest look)
• Engages in self-harming behaviors (such as cutting or abusing alcohol and other drugs) or shows signs of an eating disorder
• Expresses suicidal thoughts; shows signs of depression

If you are concerned that someone you care about is in an abusive relationship, please consider reaching out for support and consultation.

• Journey to Safety: 781-647-5327, Monday – Friday, 9:00 a.m. – 5:00 p.m.
• Safe Link (the 24/7 statewide hotline): 877-785-2020
• A domestic abuse program in your community

This program is supported by MOVA through a 1984 VOCA grant from the OVC, OJP, US Department of Justice.

For more information, call 781-647-JFCS (5327) or email your questions via our contact us page.

This program is funded in part by CJP.