As the Jewish High Holy Days arrive, we find ourselves surrounded by messages about atoning, making amends, changing what we want to be different about ourselves.
That is indeed very important work. But the messages also leave us thinking about people who have a partner who mistreats them, often in part by telling them day in and day out what they need to change about themselves. Maybe it’s about how they look or how clean the house is or how the kids behave. Maybe it’s about how they drive or socialize or do their jobs. Maybe it’s about nothing substantive at all – just a demand that they somehow be different.
If you are hearing destructive and hurtful comments from your partner, we want you to know that these words are meant to intentionally demean, harm, and diminish you. Your partner is treating you this way because they choose to, not because there is anything wrong with you. Trying to meet your partner’s unfair, unrealistic, and hypercritical demands is not the kind of change that this season calls for.
We also want you to know that, as this season reminds us, things can be different.
Change is possible, even if your partner/ex-partner says things like:
- You could never make it on your own.
- This is as good as it will ever get for you. Be grateful.
- You are lucky to have the life that you have. No one else will ever want you.
- If you do anything against my wishes, you will regret it.
Change can feel overwhelming. Imagining a different life might seem impossible for safety reasons, financial issues, child-related reasons, health or caregiving situations, religious/cultural/family pressures, and a host of other very real and sometimes very scary concerns.
But, as this season reminds us, things can be different. Change is possible.
To be clear, change does not necessarily mean leaving. It can, but it also can mean taking steps to feel safer while remaining with your partner. It can mean beginning to make a plan to leave someday, but not right now. Or finally having someone who will listen and believe you when you talk about what’s really happening at home. Change can be big or small and can also be something that might seem small on the surface, but in fact feels very big to you.
Because as this season reminds us, change is possible.
If you have a partner or ex-partner who acts in harmful, controlling or abusive ways, please consider reaching out to JF&CS Journey to Safety or another domestic abuse program. We can’t control what your partner or ex-partner will say or do, but we are here to:
- listen
- support you as you figure out what you want
- help you think about and plan for your physical, emotional, and financial safety
- ensure that you are not alone in whatever comes next
Even when the way forward feels unknown or unclear or scary, even then…as this season reminds us, change is possible. We hope you will reach out.
JF&CS Journey to Safety focuses our outreach and awareness-raising efforts on the Jewish and Russian-speaking communities AND welcomes people from all backgrounds and identities who are seeking support and assistance. Whether you would like support or assistance for yourself or are a concerned friend, family member, community member, clergyperson, or other community professional, please call (781) 647-5327 or email jts@jfcsboston.org to reach our program.